5 Secrets for Getting Your Teen to Talk

Getting kids to open up is a daily challenge for many parents. Unless you have the most talkative child in the world, there comes a point when it seems as if all you hear is "Fine" and "Good" to questions at the dinner table. Teens exert their independence and tension between parents and their kids rises. Parents are perplexed at how to get their teens to talk.

Never fear, this post will explain 5 tips for getting your child to open up more so that you can learn about what's happening in their life and continue maintaining a relationship with him or her.

Invite Their Friends Over

Allow your child to invite their own friends over to your home. Not necessarily to spend the night, but for an afternoon or dinner one evening. 

Pay attention to how your son or daughter's speech and behavior changes around their friends. More importantly, pay attention to how your child's friends speak and behave. This could give you insight into how your child connects with others when he or she is not home. (It will also give your child insight into how their friends treat you as parents).

Though you will not be having lengthy discussions with your child when their friends are over, you may be lucky enough to hear about the latest drama or their current hopes and fears as they chat with their friends. Just by overhearing their conversations down the hall or out in the yard, you'll be able to learn what is important to them. While you're not receiving the information directly, it is still a great way to find out what's happening in your teen's life.

Share How Your Day Went

One of the main reasons kids (and especially teenagers) are reluctant to share information with their parents, is that they feel as though they get caught in an interrogation room. In a desperate attempt to find out what's happening in their children's lives, parents ask question after question only to find that their teen is not only a closed book, but can't wait until you are done so they can escape to their rooms.

It's not enjoyable to have one-way conversations. 

Instead, begin by talking about your day. Voluntarily share about how you were worried you wouldn't make a deadline at work but that you and your team put in the extra effort, and you are so happy that you just barely made it! Share how you're disappointed about a new policy that was implemented. Share about how you're bummed that the grocery store was out of your favorite ice cream flavor when you went shopping that day.

And here is the key...

Share without expectation of getting anything in return. You may begin speaking and feeling as though you are talking to yourself, but before you know it, your child will chime in and start adding to the conversation. It just might take a few attempts before they begin to contribute. 

When you are able to demonstrate the answer to, "How was your day?" They will pick up on it. Especially once they get the sense that you are no longer going to cross-examine them.

Go Into Their Territory

Not enemy territory, your child's territory. What does your teen like to do? What do they really enjoy? Is it music, exercise, sports, reading? Parents often become frustrated and end up demanding family time in a hopeless attempt to spend time together as a family and get their child out of the depths of their bedroom.

Instead of mandating an activity, give your teen the chance to show you their world. Ask them to teach you how to play their favorite video game, shoot hoops or go for a run. Let them set the rules. Ask them why they like a particular musical artist and let them explain without you rolling your eyes, criticizing the music, and sharing how much better music was when you were their age.

It's okay to still engage in your typical family time activities, but remember, if you really want to get your teen to talk with you; you have to get on their level. It's the same way you played with blocks and read stories to them when they were toddlers. Now you are connecting in a new way that is appropriate to their stage in development.

She might look at you like you're crazy when you ask her to show you how to send a Snap, but once she realizes that you're genuine about it, she will be so excited. Who knows, you might even see a few of her friends' Snaps as she's teaching you.

Going into their comfort zone takes more time, but you will find it's worth putting in the effort. Especially once you notice your child volunteering information about their life.

Keep Your Mouth Shut - Listen!

We've addressed this before, but I cannot stress enough how important it is to truly listen to your teen when they share with you.

If he tells you that his friend, Mark, broke his leg jumping from the roof to the trampoline; that is not the time to discuss how Mark always makes poor choices and is a bad influence on your son. It is also not the time to roll your eyes and criticize Mark's behavior.

Instead, you listen. (That means no talking). No negative facial expressions or reactions. Look receptive and open to what your teen is saying. Act genuinely interested in what they are saying and DON'T offer your opinion about them or their friend's choices. Of course you are free to ask if Mark is feeling better, but avoid lecture or criticism at all costs.

Again, if your child thinks they are going into an interrogation room, it will be a long time before they share another story about Mark (or anyone) with you.

Choose Your Battles

Though our children find ways to make us crazy and get under our skin, we have to decide which battles are more important to fight.

It's one thing to have a messy room or ripped jeans. It's another thing to get a face tattoo.

When parents become protective to the point of interjecting and lecturing at every single thing, the door to having your teen share information with you closes. They will be living at a constant level of concern that you are going to tell them they can't or shouldn't do something, so they will eventually resolve themselves to not share anything with you at all in order to avoid a lecture or argument.

When you're about to voice your opinion, think twice. Ask yourself, "Is this something I can let go for the sake of my relationship with my child?" If the answer is yes, keep that mouth closed! When your child knows that there are times they can come to you as they are, without judgement, without feeling as though they don't know anything, then they will be more likely to let you into their world and share what's on their mind.

Parenting teens means transitioning from childhood to adulthood. In order to get your teen to talk to you, it means you have to also transition from your path to theirs. Get into their world, hear them out, and let them show you what they are challenged with from day to day.

What they share might surprise you. And what you don't share might surprise them. Keep these 5 tips in mind, and you'll wish your teen would stop talking your ear off!

Got other ideas for helping your teen open up? We want to hear about it. Share in the comments!